Greetings, Earthling. I come bearing glad tidings of the Hyetis Crossbow,
a smartwatch with built-in mechanical movement and a 41-megapixel “life
camera” designed to record your every motion and emotion. The watch
comes to you from the Deepest Corners Of Outer Space where it was (most
probably) hatched from the egg of a cyborg lifeform. It costs one
thousand and two hundred of your so-called “Earth Dollars.” We have
written “Swiss Made” on the back to fool your puny minds.
Smartwatch Designed by those who brought you AK Geneve,
another space-themed watch line, the Crossbow has a very small, 12mm
mechanical movement built-in alongside a number of smartwatch features
including accelerometers, an altimeter, Bluetooth, WiFi, NFC, and GPS –
all of the primitive technologies you ape men still use on your horrid
planet. It has two batteries built in so you can record your entire
brutish life using the built-in camera.
Smartwatch also has biometric sensors because, as we well know, you humans
still pump liquids through your meatsacks. It will ship in December 2013
and the creator, one Arny Kapshitzer, promises that if anything changes
in the feature line-up those who pre-order the watch will be notified.
It is, to be clear, very expensive. This we cannot explain.
So please consider the purchase of the smartwatch Crossbow. It is far more
intelligent than you, to be sure, and, if you wear one, we Andromedans
will not enslave you as our pack animals on the gas mines of Xarxis 7.
Those who own a Crossbow will instead be used as our pets on our home
planet of Zorb and be given leave to mate – under close supervision and
with a great deal of genetic control – to maintain the propagation of
your ridiculous species. At $1,200, this is a bargain.
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